It’s Mrs Muck’s birthday today. As such, I am only going to spend a couple of hours round at Fifi’s, who’s the head Muck FM geisha girl, and my long standing mistress. Anything more would be disrespectful.
After that I’m taking Mrs Muck up to my uncle Jamal’s camel farm in West Croydon for a quick inspection, and then of course it’s the time of year when the camels get stoned.
No, not that kind of stoned. Surely it’s common knowledge that every December half the females in a flock (yes, it’s a little known fact that the collective noun for camels is a flock) have their uteruses cauterised by having red hot pieces of rock inserted up their chuffs to prevent too many getting knocked up (or the hump as we call it in the industry) the following season.
The rocks must have been roasting in the embers of a traditional Arab fire from midday until the sun goes down, and Jamal knows, from years of experience when they are ready. Basically, they are red fucking hot and boy, you should hear the sizzle as they slide in. It’s quite something. But that pales into insignificance next to the smell. Once you’ve smelled burning camel vagina you’ll never forget it.
Of course at the same time, the males must be milked, and their seed stored for the breeding season. Well, half is put into the deep freeze until next year, and the other half is sold to Ambrosia as a thickening agent. Jamal knows how they make it so creamy…
After the work is finished in the pens, me and Mrs Muck will be heading next door to the affiliated Camel Toe Club for an evening of seedy (maybe that’s the wrong word to use after the camel milking) and unadulterated pleasure of the Muck geisha girls strutting their stuff. Fifi is the star attraction, and if you saw her you would understand how I have no choice but to juggle her around Mrs Muck. Jiggle would be more appropriate a word. You see Fifi’s a big girl. Her stage name is “The Bactrian” and it’s said that if she was stranded in the desert she could survive for months without water. Certainly every time I’m with her she seems to be a very thirsty girl…
The girls do a show that takes the breath away while at the same time making even grown men drool. I can’t divulge details of it here- it’s a family show after all. If you’re ever in the West Croydon area, check it out. Don’t forget your shank though for fuck’s sake.