Doctor Muck’s Holiday Blag Monday 6th June 2011

Monday 6th June

Handy was admitted to hospital last night with severe sunstroke. The doctors had to peel his mankini from his blistered oozing skin, and I reckon you could probably hear his shrill piercing screams back in England. Never has the Portuguese flag looked so rank. The first signs we had that something was wrong was on our return from the beach last night. Handy became delerious, screaming he needed “some pussy” and leering at Fifi. He even groped her bum as she walked past him, giving her a lecherous wink muttering “oh yeah” under his breath.

The doctors have kept him in for observation, which is probably wise because his reply to that news was “observe this love” followed by him exposing himself to the nurse. Still, on the upside I managed to nick a defibrillator from the hospital and we had great fun late into the night back at the apartment playing Casualty. After another jug of sangria that game deteriorated into doctors and nurses, but I’ll keep those details to myself as this is a family blog after all. Well, minus the daughter obviously. There you go, there’s the first child abduction gag of the day- I knew you were waiting for it…

Before all that excitement we had headed into town yesterday evening and ate delicious fish soup followed by seafood stew at a little restaurant in the old town. My initial thoughts are that this resort isn’t the type of place to have banging house music blaring from it’s bars and my optimism at blagging a set somewhere has faded already. I’ll certainly do my best though and maybe my best bet will be a new club called the Palace that’s opened up in town.

Well, can’t stop as I’m getting ready to go for a run. No, you read that right. I’ve declared this a fat neutral holiday you see. That is to say I’m determined not to put any weight on after a month or two where I have immersed myself into a strict regime to lose my blubber before going away. It’s an addiction in itself, and I’m actually toying with the idea of taking up an eating disorder to speed things along. Now then, bulimia or anorexia? On the whole I’m thinking bulimia- at least I still get to eat that way. I’m off to make a collect call to John Prescott for some handy hints and tips. Catch you later y’all…


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