Dr Muck’s Blog 2nd Feb 2010

What an exciting week it’s been. I am currently in ongoing talks with Celador about getting my proposal for a new prime time TV show on the air. Its going to be called “Celebrity If This Is Mental Illness Then Bring It On” hosted by Les Dennis and Frank Bruno. Each week will see a new celebrity whose latest character assassination in the press due to bad reviews or sordid revelations about their private lives has brought them to their knees mentally, physically and emotionally. Huge viewing figures are expected as the ultimate in reality tv is finally realised. The rise and fall of a career, the descent into alcoholism, mental illness and probable suicide will all be followed by hidden cameras and a team of cruel psychological experts ready to inflict more pain and humiliation on them at the whim of the director. And the voting public of course. Yes, as the weeks progress, it will be the Great British Public’s votes which will determine the fate of our fallen heroes. A quarter of all proceeeds from telephone calls will go to the Please Save Crystal Palace FC fund (Croydon’s chavs will be forced into more crime without their beloved Eagles, or Seagulls, or whatever they are called), and the rest will go into our pockets. Obviously.

Laugh as the celebrities are cuckolded live on air! Giggle as they beat their estranged wives and urinate on the police officers called to the disturbance! Guffaw at real car crash tv as they plough their 4×4 into a tree in a last drunken effort to escape the pain and misery of their sorry lives!


The only thing holding back the finalisation of the format and signing of contracts is discussion if the live feed should be aired daily on CBeebies or  E4. It’s going to be the talk of playgrounds up and down the country!


In other news this week, I have formally begun the search for a “cougar” to finance the Muck FM coffers –  you see I’ve just heard that the contract signing for the tv show has run into difficulties over Frank Bruno’s fee, and he is threatening to pull out at the last minute. It could jeapordise the whole deal and financial security for Muck FM. We may have to go for our backup presenter Kerry Katona -although this would depend on us being able to be certain contractually that halfway through the series she would break down and give us the delicious twist of presenter becoming contestant. An added bonus if this happened is that we would get sponsorship from Iceland for the show without a doubt.


Anyway, as I was saying, I am looking for a cougar to ensure Muck FM’s continuing financial stability. For all my obvious streetwisdom I only discovered what a cougar is recently. It had been mentioned on tv earlier on the same day that I was due to attend a high class party in Mayfair. A cougar it seems is an older woman (usually rich) who is on the prowl for younger men. According to some of the listeners to last weekend’s shows here on Muck FM, a cougar can be any woman over the age of thirty. Well, the general consensus and reaction to that was that a cougar is substantially older than that, but it got me thinking that I could do with a rich 40 or 50 year old woman showering me with riches in exchange for some mucky love.

Handy had got me an invite to the aforementioned party, and as you know if you have been reading his problem page, he likes to hang around with high class (hookers) and society faces. Well, it was just an hour or so into the soiree when Handy came over to me and whispered in my ear. No, not in that way that he does in the public conveniences down the high street, but as a friend who wanted to tell me that I had a cougar on my case. He nodded his head towards a woman who I guessed initially to be in her fifties, but was later (too bloody late) to find that extensive plastic surgery in fact hid the fact that she was actually touching eighty. Handy explained that she had been asking questions about me, and had sent him over to me to tell me to wait out the back in ten minutes time. I asked Handy who she was. He told me she was Dame Elaine of Pork, widow of Sir Loin of Pork (I should have suspected foul play on Handy’s part immediately really…)  and that since her husband’s death had been on a mission to find a young plaything to service her needs in return for financial “thanks”

Well, I thought, Mrs Muck’s always nagging me about money, and I’m not too proud to refuse hands down to go to bed with a fifty year old woman, so I thought I would go for it and see if I could boost my deposits to the bank by making one in her first…

She was there, outside the back door of the club exactly ten minutes later as promised. Silently she opened the door to her Jag and beckoned me inside. She didn’t say one word to me until we had arrived at her mansion near Windsor and were standing facing each other in front of a roaring open fire in her master bedroom. “Undress” she rasped, and I complied willingly. I would love to be able to now describe a passionate piece of love making to you, but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. She placed a blindfold on me, and I waited with anticipation on the bed, blind but hearing her clothes being slipped off. I can’t lie, it was all quite nice until it was over a few seco… er I mean minutes later. She proceeded to take my blindfold off, and there in front of me, in all her natural glory was Lady Elaine. I say natural, because it turned out it was only her face that had been “worked” on. The rest of her body was untouched by the hands of a surgeon, and was displayed nauseatingly in all of it’s 79 year old splendour. Wrinkles disappeared into each other like ripples in the Sahara, and maybe if I tell you that in front of me was a hideous old hag shaped scrotum then you will get a better idea of the sight that met my eyes in that master bedroom, the one in front of that roaring fire. The sight that will haunt me for years, and which revealed to me that Lady Elaine (of Pork) was not in her early fifties as I originally thought, but many years older. It turned out I had been touching eighty too.

I made my excuses immediately, stumbling down the lane from her mansion in a daze, shock taking hold and things gliding by me in slow motion, as if in a dream. I had nothing to show from my encounter with a cougar, except a sickening addition to my list of sexual conquests and a rising sense of shame and nausea. If Mrs Muck ever finds out about this incident, I’m done for, especially after her suspicions about me and Fifi recently. It was all done for her though. Yes, yes it was- I was prepared to take one for the team, to sacrifice myself, to offer myself up for a few quid to help Muck FM grow, and yes, it has to be said, to prostitute myself for the good of my business and family. Maybe once I had explained this to her she would understand. I entered the battle(axe) with honour, and depsite being defeated can hold my head up high.


In the meantime, my search for a cougar continues and you just wait till I get hold of that Handy… I am gonna kill him!


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