Dear Handy,
Having like yourself recently risen to the heady heights of megastardom, I was wondering how you have dealt with jealous family members and friends.
I await your response in anticipation.
much love
ST
Dear ST,
Yes…yes, you are right, it is tough dealing with the pressures being an “It Boy” brings. The papparazzi recognise me everywhere I go these days, and after posing for the twentieth or thirtieth photo it can become quite tiresome. I often go into town dressed in a wig and women’s clothing. And some days I’m just not in the mood for being recognised, so I wear a disguise.
It is tough to know how to deal with jealous friends, but I have found that if you choose them carefully, you will always have fawning sycophants around you. I particularly like yes-men.
Jealous family members are slightly more difficult to deal with, especially if they have a tendency to be overbearing bullies, or are used to having all the attention lavished on them. Or both. Does this sound familiar?
I like the cut of your jib ST, and the fact that you recognised my star status has lowered my usually tough attitude to deluded idiots like yourself, who seem to believe that they will one day rise to my A-List status.
So here is my advice to you. First of all, don’t get too up yourself. No one likes arrogance, especially if you don’t have anything to back it up, like my flair, panache, natty dress sense, and a fine 12″ collection. HMV? No darling, Anne Summers.
Regarding your jealous family, it depends how tired of them you are. For £10,000 I can put you in touch with someone who could take care of your problem permanently. But I would suggest a chemical cosh would be your first port of call. A couple of rohypnols in their coffee each morning and Bob’s your uncle, they are putty in your hands. But I find a viagra added to the coffee takes care of that.
The easiest method (and least likely to put you in jail) is a concerted campaign of belittling comments and unashamed name dropping. Scoffing at them at the breakfast table sets the tone nicely for the day. A raised eyebrow and withering look at the sight of them in their new shirt, along with a daintily raised finger to the mouth to stifle the “dear God” is also a nice touch. Don’t forget to let out an almost imperceptible laugh at the same time.
Make sure you flaunt your wealth and give detailed descriptions of your sexual conquests on a daily basis. This will slowly but surely wear down their self esteem and make them submissive in no time. Which reminds me ST, you didn’t specify if you were male or female, but if you need any personal assistance, you just let me know. I always save a couple of those viagras for my personal stash you know, and not just for me…
I’m a very busy boy but I’m sure I can fit you in.
Handy xxx