Not many people know that alongside conclusions regarding weapons of mass destruction, the Hutton Report also covered proposals to make every internet radio station all-seater. This was published in Appendix IX, and included a ten point plan devised by the government, solely designed to sanitise streetwise internet radio sites, making them child friendly, and bringing them up to the standards of the latest health and saftey directives issued by Brussels. Family enclosures would be introduced, and seatbelts made compulsory for under 18s.
Well, luckily, along with the more well known parts of the report, all of these proposals were swept under the carpet, and underground internet radio stations like Muck FM have kept their terraces, and continue to pump out the finest tunes known to man.
But we never rest on our laurels. To ensure that Muck FM’s image always remains cool and streetwise I have enrolled in Sandy’s Bling Course, where for only £299.99, our very own King Of Bling (as opposed to his brother Handy, the Queen of Mean) will teach you how to look, talk and even walk like a bad boy. It’s a tough course though, and Sandy is a brutal master, who doesn’t have much patience. Beatings are a regular occurence, and worryingly all of the courses have now been relocated to Deepcut Barracks. Come to think of it, those twins aren’t really very nice people. I blame whoever brought them up…
Today we are in the classroom, and learning how to make people’s first impressions of you last forever. I am now wearing jeans that are four sizes too big for me, and have tucked the legs into my socks, b-boy style. Phat trainers (tags still on of course), oversized gold chains and a Muck FM hoody (pulled down over the eyes) complete the look. Alternative ethnic variations include bandanas, baseball caps perched high on the head and tilted at a 45 degree angle, and hairnets.
But image is so much more than just the clothes. I now walk with a limp, not because I am lame (don’t go there), but because it is “street”. The trick is to imagine that your right leg is slightly longer than the left, and as you walk to twist it out at a 45 degree angle, before dragging it back in on each step. Always remember to drop the shoulder too. This will instantly tell your peers that you’re Bad, Mad and Dangerous, which just happens to be the motto of Sandy’s Training School. Yes, the Hutton report wasn’t only about WMDs, it was about BMDs too.
The final part of today’s schedule had Sandy teaching us the correct way to speak. A streetwise vocabulary is essential, but is nothing without the correct delivery. You should always talk with a lisp, which along with the limp will let everyone know that you’re a crack ho and that they better steer clear, unless they want to get demselves shanked innit. As you can imagine though, getting the lisp right is difficult. One wrong move and you will be less crack ho, and more tally ho.
For example, you must never say “safe, blud”. This will expose your mockney roots, and earn you a one way ticket to Barry Island. No, the correct delivery is to put your tongue between your front teeth and say “thhhhafe blud”. Always remember to kiss your teeth after every sentence and then spit on the floor.
It’s been a tough morning. Luckily Handy has just arrived with my face pack and a tub of Haagen-Dazs. We’re settling in for an afternoon of A Place In The Sun, Countdown and Deal Or No Deal. The Holy Trinity.
Even bad boys have to relax you know. Just don’t tell Sandy…